A Perfect Man

Why is it that when it comes to relationships, intimate relationships that is, life has to be so difficult? I suppose that life is difficult in many other ways, of course, but for me this is a particular point of interest in my life at this time. I have always been extremely independent. I suppose I gained that trait by being raised by a single mother. I was in two long term relationships, one where I almost ended up married but thank the mighty Lord in Heaven that said blasphemy didn't come to pass... I finally escaped that damned relationship, jumped through a few dead ends and found a true love that I lost tragically to cancer almost two years later. So now it is a little over a year later and I have dated very little but I am ready to begin again. I feel like I am missing something. I just don't know what...

I have never "dated" before. I have never had to sell myself and I really don't feel like I need to now, persay. I get crushes a lot. They seem to be on all of the wrong men, though. Appearances are SO deceiving and I never realized how deceiving they actually were, in terms of relationships, until now. I will see a guy and think he is attractive, work my feminine magic and end up hanging out with him a few times and then BAM! ... he's insane, in some way, shape, or form. Either he gets too clingy or I find out he still lives at home with his parents for no good reason or he's an alcoholic or SOMETHING. Or, I will find someone attractive, he will feel the same, flirt, and then drop the, "Oh, i'm engaged.", bomb on me down the road. What is wrong with this picture?

I don't get why it has to be so complicated and why people have to change or soup themselves up to be something that they aren't. You are going to have to reveal your true self later on down the road anyway so you might as well just be up front and proud of who you are now. Confidence is sexy anyway.

Yes, I am independent, hard to read, a tough chick in law enforcement and most guys don't know how to handle all of that. If we're out together and there's an issue i'll be the one who stands up to handle it first. I am not overly emotional, my son is the most important man in my life, and I know that I have everything I need within MYSELF to achieve great things. Maybe these traits reflect why I am single or maybe they will be what my perfect match is looking for... Who knows? Time will tell.

I know I can't pick out my perfect man. God will and already has done the picking. Until then I just have to be patient and know that what I go through now is only preparing me for what I will be living later. Just because I think I want something doesn't mean it's time for me to have it. I know this. But, eventually, I will meet the not so clingy, non drunk who lives in a somewhat decent place of his own, who is single and loves me for me and doesn't want me to change a thing about myself. It doesn't seem like a lot, but I have yet to find it all, and I refuse to settle for less... and no woman ever should.