A Hard Lesson

I knew I loved my loved my father and that he was significant part of my life, but I didn’t know just how much he affected my life until he was no longer in it. My father lived in California and I live in Missouri so I did not get to see him very often. There was a trip coming up in June of last year, to go visit my father before I would be leaving for basic training because I had enlisted in the National Guard. My father didn’t really approve of this but he supported me my goals, nonetheless. I spoke on the phone with my father often and I knew he was ill, as he had been suffering from COPD for several years as well as been a recovering alcoholic. Up until the summer of 2006 I had had a relatively up and down relationship with my father because of his illness but during our family reunion that August, I saw how he had truly recovered and I was able to begin a new relationship with him. The entire next year was amazing as I became so close to a man I felt I would never be able to truly know. I was so excited that I was going to be able to see him soon because I missed him so much.

Then, one spring morning in May, I had stayed over at my best friend’s house along with a few others and we were all making breakfast, joking around, and laughing when my mother called. She asked me where I was and told me I needed to come to her house. I could tell that something was seriously wrong by the tone of her voice. She said, “Michelle, I just need you to come to my house. I need to talk to you, it’s about your dad.” Finally, I convinced her into telling me what was wrong. My mother then said, “Michelle, you dad had a heart attack this morning. The CPR didn’t work.” She started to cry. “He didn’t make it. I am so sorry.” Then I fell to my friend’s kitchen floor, crying hysterically. I was so shocked. I thought, “A heart attack? He had lung disease! This doesn’t make any sense!” I had just talked to him the day before. I was so confused. My friend took the phone from my hand and spoke with my mother. I was too distraught to drive so she drove me to my mother’s house.

I remember this chaotic feeling taking over my body like something I had never felt before. I had lost someone very close to me before but not so suddenly. I felt so angry, sad, confused, and cheated all at the same time. I just couldn’t believe what I was being told was actually true. However, it was very true and very horrible and I would have to face what was happening. I walked into my brother’s room, younger just by two years, and I hugged him like I never hugged him before. For so many years I looked after my little brother and protected him. But, this was the moment where I needed him to console me. He held me for about twenty minutes while I cried. He was the strong one this time. I think he knew before I even walked in the door how I was going to be taking this whole situation. My brother and I have always been close, but from that day forward, we have been closer in a different way. The way we had to support each other and still have to, to this day, had built a closer bond between us.

From the day my father died my life began to change. I began to view my role as a sister, a parent, a daughter, and a friend so much more differently. I know that every day on this earth is so important and that the choices we make do affect the people around us, even if we don’t think that they do. As a sister, I know that I must be dependable a support system in times of tragedy. As a parent, I know that every thing I do, my child will see. I want him to always be close to me and never have to go through any gaps of our lives without experiencing the closest mother and son relationship that we can. I always want him to respect me and be proud of me. As a daughter, I always want to remain close with my mother and support her. I know how quickly you can lose someone that you love. I have become so much closer to my family members and close friends. I have gone out of my way to show them how much I care because at any second, the fragile life we have been given could be instantly taken away.

I thought that my new relationship with my father meant many years awaited us that would be full of happy memories. I couldn’t wait until June so I could bring my son to finally meet his Grandfather for the first time. Sadly, that day never did come. But because of how it broke my heart to realize that my son and father would never meet in this life, I have made it my mission to always be forgiving and to never hold a grudge or bitterness towards anyone because you never know what can happen. I hope that my father knew that I loved him with my whole heart and that no matter what happened in the past, I only cared about our future.