The future was yesterday, is happening today, and will be tomorrow. With every end there is another beginning.
Every day we are working for something more and hopefully today, we are further than where we were yesterday.
Strength comes in waves... sometimes you are full of strength and could conquer the world... sometimes you wish you had even enough strength to conquer the day.
You push hoping that all the effort you are giving is getting you somewhere... When you get where you've been trying to go for so long, will it be the place you thought it would be? Will it be everything you dreamed?
So much counts on the decisions we make today. Or does it? Is it really that intense? If we fail is it easy to just pick up the pieces and start over again?
What if you work years to achieve a goal and realize it wasn't something you really wanted? Just start over? Deal with it? Hmmm...
There's pressure... that's obvious... because making good decisions really is important. I think what is more important though is realizing that it isn't your job or education that defines you... it's how you live your life.
Success or failure is relative. I would say that a person who failed 99 times out 100, each time with the hope that next time would be a success and never viewing their self as a failure was a success all along while the person who succeeded 99 times out of 100 and failed the final time couldn't get past the single failure and was miserable was actually a failure because of the way he perceived things.
So, here we are then... still pushing along... getting further to the finish... or do we ever truly reach a finish? I really don't think we do. I think it's just another end and a new beginning and we usually have more than several of these circulating in our lives at once.
It's funny how sometimes when you feel the weakest you are actually exhibiting your strongest qualities.
Everyday there's a new lesson to be learned. Sometimes you learn a lesson today from an action or actions from years ago when you weren't even the same person. Gotta love that karma...
I think life just has it's way of working itself out. I know that even when I am the most scared or sad and I don't know how things are going to turn out or what I should do next... I really do just trust God and things go in the right direction.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Friends And Enemies
Yet another late night blog... here it goes. So why do people feel the need to try and drag other people down all the time??? I mean, why is it that just because you are SO unhappy with your life that you have to try and make other people unhappy, too? I am just curious, ya know because it seems to me that misery really shouldn't be allowed to have any company. Misery should either be all alone sulking in a corner, NOT getting the attention it wants or at least only allowed to be around other miserable people. Leave the people who want to be happy alone! Shit!
I am talking about those kind of people who when you are really sad about something or are having a bad day and they ask you to tell them about it and then instead of consoling you or telling you things will be ok like a normal person would they instead try to "one-up" you by telling you about their horrible day or telling you about something tragic that happened to them. "Okay, well, guess I have no reason at all to be upset. My life is a bowl of cherries compared to yours. Now let's talk about you!" Right??? Or they always have these tragic stories to tell or these off the wall things that are or have happened to them and they want sympathy but you have already given them so much so the next time they walk up to you and say something like, "I need to talk... my dog got ran over and died today..." and you know they probably don't even have a dog your like "Oh, that really sucks, well, gotta run... "
Why, oh why, do people enjoy being unhappy, miserable, sad, pissed off, angry...etc. Why do they like arguing? What REALLY gets me is that there will be these certain things that they bitch about constantly, right? Let's take, oh... a specific item for example... Well, they are mad cause they can't have it. But every single time they have the opportunity to take this item like money, a career, a relationship, etc., and they have to work for it, they either won't work for it, they will somehow sabotage it on their own, and then continue to whine and complain about what they want and don't have even though they have had numerous opportunities to achieve what they SAY they want. It's like they would just rather bitch. WHY?
And why lie, really... about every thing that comes out of your mouth? For sympathy? For attention? For people to like you? Now I don't trust you, like you nor do I want anything to do with you. If you can't trust someone then what's the point? What's really funny is when the person who is bold face lying to you is making this SAME statement all the time like he or she is the pillar of trustworthiness. Yeah. You should be proud of who you are and what you stand for. I would have more respect for a homeless person who was honest about himself than a rich man who was so caught up in a web of lies that he didn't even know who he was any more.
It really is weird, friends, and I just don't understand. I just don't appreciate people trying to drain me of my positive energy. The energy I have is spread very thin but it's there and boosted because I choose it to be! I love my life, my family, being a mother of my gorgeous son, my great friends, school is great but hard work, work is long hours but a must do, but I do all these things with a smile on my face cause it's my life and I am proud and happy to be living it! It makes me sad when I have to cut someone or some people out of my life because they just aren't going to every be anything good to me and they will only continue to break my heart. I just don't deserve that...
I know there really isn't an answer to why these people are the way they are. I don't expect one. There will always be people like this and it sucks for good people like us. If my daddy were still here he would say, "Darlin, it doesn't matter what anyone else does to you, it's your reaction that shows who you are and what you've gone through, doesn't define who you are." He was really smart and I think that made a lot of sense. So, my reaction is, yes... it bothers me that there are people in this world who want nothing more than for me to be sad and angry... it would be weird for me not to care at all. I really hope that one day they realize that life isn't about that and they need to change. On the other hand, I still love my life, I am still so happy with my life and I am going to continue on about my business like before... Things like this just help me to really appreciate my true friends even more. I do love you guys. I know this is just life and another lesson learned.
I am talking about those kind of people who when you are really sad about something or are having a bad day and they ask you to tell them about it and then instead of consoling you or telling you things will be ok like a normal person would they instead try to "one-up" you by telling you about their horrible day or telling you about something tragic that happened to them. "Okay, well, guess I have no reason at all to be upset. My life is a bowl of cherries compared to yours. Now let's talk about you!" Right??? Or they always have these tragic stories to tell or these off the wall things that are or have happened to them and they want sympathy but you have already given them so much so the next time they walk up to you and say something like, "I need to talk... my dog got ran over and died today..." and you know they probably don't even have a dog your like "Oh, that really sucks, well, gotta run... "
Why, oh why, do people enjoy being unhappy, miserable, sad, pissed off, angry...etc. Why do they like arguing? What REALLY gets me is that there will be these certain things that they bitch about constantly, right? Let's take, oh... a specific item for example... Well, they are mad cause they can't have it. But every single time they have the opportunity to take this item like money, a career, a relationship, etc., and they have to work for it, they either won't work for it, they will somehow sabotage it on their own, and then continue to whine and complain about what they want and don't have even though they have had numerous opportunities to achieve what they SAY they want. It's like they would just rather bitch. WHY?
And why lie, really... about every thing that comes out of your mouth? For sympathy? For attention? For people to like you? Now I don't trust you, like you nor do I want anything to do with you. If you can't trust someone then what's the point? What's really funny is when the person who is bold face lying to you is making this SAME statement all the time like he or she is the pillar of trustworthiness. Yeah. You should be proud of who you are and what you stand for. I would have more respect for a homeless person who was honest about himself than a rich man who was so caught up in a web of lies that he didn't even know who he was any more.
It really is weird, friends, and I just don't understand. I just don't appreciate people trying to drain me of my positive energy. The energy I have is spread very thin but it's there and boosted because I choose it to be! I love my life, my family, being a mother of my gorgeous son, my great friends, school is great but hard work, work is long hours but a must do, but I do all these things with a smile on my face cause it's my life and I am proud and happy to be living it! It makes me sad when I have to cut someone or some people out of my life because they just aren't going to every be anything good to me and they will only continue to break my heart. I just don't deserve that...
I know there really isn't an answer to why these people are the way they are. I don't expect one. There will always be people like this and it sucks for good people like us. If my daddy were still here he would say, "Darlin, it doesn't matter what anyone else does to you, it's your reaction that shows who you are and what you've gone through, doesn't define who you are." He was really smart and I think that made a lot of sense. So, my reaction is, yes... it bothers me that there are people in this world who want nothing more than for me to be sad and angry... it would be weird for me not to care at all. I really hope that one day they realize that life isn't about that and they need to change. On the other hand, I still love my life, I am still so happy with my life and I am going to continue on about my business like before... Things like this just help me to really appreciate my true friends even more. I do love you guys. I know this is just life and another lesson learned.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Missing Ryan
As many of you know it has now been one year since Ryan Kuhles passed away... such a tragic loss for so many.
This whole month has been a month of deep reflection. On the 1rst, I went and picked up some flowers and sat at Ryan’s grave for a while. I cleaned it off and looked at his picture and read the the poem about fifty times. I thought about his funeral. It was almost like I was there all over again. I visit Ryan but this day was different. It was his birthday. He would have been 25. I said, "Happy Birthday, Ryan. I love you."
So the month continued and still does... one year approaching this Friday. Ryan taught me to grateful for each and everyday on this earth. So many people are given so much yet still find every reason to complain. No matter what this world through at Ryan he never gave up. He didn’t know what the future held but he always knew that he was going to make the best out of the present.
I remember the one of the first conversations I had with Ryan was him telling me about the type of cancer he had and I remember thinking to myself... "Look at this him... this isn’t what someone with cancer looks like." Even on chemo (when he could) he ran every day, worked out, attended college... this is more than I can say for some of the healthiest people I know! After I became his girlfriend I had even more opportunities to see how he never gave up. Even when he got sick again he would be saying, "Well, when I start to feel better I am going to..."
He loved his friends so much. There were a few that were always around. You know who you are. These friends always knew how he was, would stop by his house just to help out, or just to spend time with him because toward the end he could really go anywhere. I had so much respect for them. Some people claimed to be good friends and would ask when they could come by but would never show up. Some said it was too painful to see their friend in so much pain. I don’t think anyone was in more pain than he was. What ever the case, Ryan still treated a friend that he hadn’t seen for a year just the same as he did the friend who sat by his side. He always welcomed everyone with a big smile and a huge heart.
As sad is it was, that I knew that Ryan wouldn’t be here forever, the time we spent together was full of so much laughing, smiling, joking, hugs, kisses, and happiness... (his constant sarcasm and dark humor) nothing I would trade for the world. I think that Kuhles was quite possibly one of the most brilliantly honest/accurate/sarcastic/hilarious critics of all time. The world has suffered a great loss with the passing of such a great mind and a genuinely amazing human being.
The time Ryan had left was never certain. Once I was told two years. I was told six months then four, and then with a sudden injury he was left with what they said would be two weeks... I was running some errands when I was told he would be passing away that night. I went over right away. I just held his hand and talked to him. His mom and dad were so great that night. They were so strong. I think it’s just how the Kuhles’ are. They are all so amazing.
I am going to visit Ryan again Friday. I try and go regularly. Ryan used to tell me all the time that one of his fears was being forgotten... because people always forget those that pass away. I promised him I would never forget. He said he believed me. Of course I don’t see how anyone could ever forget Ryan Kuhles, Esq., Amateur Gynocologist... the best wing-man ever, or so he told me he was.
I think the main lesson to be learned from Ryan Kuhles is to be grateful for the time you are given to be with the people you love and to accomplish your dreams on this earth. I am so thankful for having known this amazing person and to having been able to know him in such an intimate way, despite the way it still breaks my heart to not have him in my life. I live each day to the fullest... for myself, for my son, for Ryan and my Dad. I remember calling my dad and telling him that Ryan passed away. He cried for me because he knew how devastated I was. Two months later, he passed away as well. My heart aches for them both. Sometimes, I don’t think I have any more tears to cry... but then I realize life it isn’t about living in the past... it’s about using lessons of the past, to make a better future. Ryan and my Dad are both in my mind and heart every day... and they always will be. Ryan was the true definition of a hero. Everything he spoke about and lived by was an inspiration... we were all so lucky to have been a part of his remarkable life... even for such a short while.
This whole month has been a month of deep reflection. On the 1rst, I went and picked up some flowers and sat at Ryan’s grave for a while. I cleaned it off and looked at his picture and read the the poem about fifty times. I thought about his funeral. It was almost like I was there all over again. I visit Ryan but this day was different. It was his birthday. He would have been 25. I said, "Happy Birthday, Ryan. I love you."
So the month continued and still does... one year approaching this Friday. Ryan taught me to grateful for each and everyday on this earth. So many people are given so much yet still find every reason to complain. No matter what this world through at Ryan he never gave up. He didn’t know what the future held but he always knew that he was going to make the best out of the present.
I remember the one of the first conversations I had with Ryan was him telling me about the type of cancer he had and I remember thinking to myself... "Look at this him... this isn’t what someone with cancer looks like." Even on chemo (when he could) he ran every day, worked out, attended college... this is more than I can say for some of the healthiest people I know! After I became his girlfriend I had even more opportunities to see how he never gave up. Even when he got sick again he would be saying, "Well, when I start to feel better I am going to..."
He loved his friends so much. There were a few that were always around. You know who you are. These friends always knew how he was, would stop by his house just to help out, or just to spend time with him because toward the end he could really go anywhere. I had so much respect for them. Some people claimed to be good friends and would ask when they could come by but would never show up. Some said it was too painful to see their friend in so much pain. I don’t think anyone was in more pain than he was. What ever the case, Ryan still treated a friend that he hadn’t seen for a year just the same as he did the friend who sat by his side. He always welcomed everyone with a big smile and a huge heart.
As sad is it was, that I knew that Ryan wouldn’t be here forever, the time we spent together was full of so much laughing, smiling, joking, hugs, kisses, and happiness... (his constant sarcasm and dark humor) nothing I would trade for the world. I think that Kuhles was quite possibly one of the most brilliantly honest/accurate/sarcastic/hilarious critics of all time. The world has suffered a great loss with the passing of such a great mind and a genuinely amazing human being.
The time Ryan had left was never certain. Once I was told two years. I was told six months then four, and then with a sudden injury he was left with what they said would be two weeks... I was running some errands when I was told he would be passing away that night. I went over right away. I just held his hand and talked to him. His mom and dad were so great that night. They were so strong. I think it’s just how the Kuhles’ are. They are all so amazing.
I am going to visit Ryan again Friday. I try and go regularly. Ryan used to tell me all the time that one of his fears was being forgotten... because people always forget those that pass away. I promised him I would never forget. He said he believed me. Of course I don’t see how anyone could ever forget Ryan Kuhles, Esq., Amateur Gynocologist... the best wing-man ever, or so he told me he was.
I think the main lesson to be learned from Ryan Kuhles is to be grateful for the time you are given to be with the people you love and to accomplish your dreams on this earth. I am so thankful for having known this amazing person and to having been able to know him in such an intimate way, despite the way it still breaks my heart to not have him in my life. I live each day to the fullest... for myself, for my son, for Ryan and my Dad. I remember calling my dad and telling him that Ryan passed away. He cried for me because he knew how devastated I was. Two months later, he passed away as well. My heart aches for them both. Sometimes, I don’t think I have any more tears to cry... but then I realize life it isn’t about living in the past... it’s about using lessons of the past, to make a better future. Ryan and my Dad are both in my mind and heart every day... and they always will be. Ryan was the true definition of a hero. Everything he spoke about and lived by was an inspiration... we were all so lucky to have been a part of his remarkable life... even for such a short while.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Can't Sleep
I can't sleep and I have to be up really early so I thought maybe I could just blog myself to sleep. Maybe? Maybe not. My son is asleep next to me right now. I am happy he's with me. He looks like an angel. Hopefully he won't pee on me, though. That always makes a really good night's sleep turn go south. He will never wet his own bed, but rest assured when he sweet talks his way into sleeping in mommy's room, that he will somehow down a sippy cup of juice when I am not looking and before I know it 3:00am has arrived along with wet sheets and a sobbing four year old who just wants to be held, not a mid-night bath.
I have been working a lot of hours at Harrah's, overtime here and there. I do most of my school work online which takes about 15 hours a week and then I still usually have to go to the actual University once or twice a week to take quizzes or tests. I did get an A on one quiz last week so I was happy with that. That was Biological Evidence. Criminal Psychology is proving to be a little bit tougher than I thought it would be. I think that I was a little over confident going into this set of classes because I did so well last time around. I know i will do well and I am, but it is taking more effort than expected to excel. I am not just satisfied with B's and C's. I love looking at a transcript that says 4.0. Some people think that I am expecting too much from myself or I am being a perfectionist but I think it is worth the effort to do my best. Hopefully, in August, I will transfer to Lindenwood (or if I get accepted, Washington University) and join the R.O.T.C. program. When I graduate I will be commissioned as a 2nd LT. I love the Army... I really think that becoming an officer would be the right choice for me.
I found out some sad news about a friend passing away today. I couldn't help but think about how March is around the corner and Ryan will have been gone for one year. I thought is was so ironic that his favorite football team won the Super Bowl the year that he passed away. I was watching the game here and there while I was at work and I just kept thinking, "I really hope they win this one for Ryan." The other day I was looking at pictures on my myspace and came across the one of Ryan and Jayden. Jayden was right there and he said, "Oh look, there's Ryan, Mommy!" It kind of caught me off gaurd. I am just glad that Jayden remembers him I guess is what I am trying to say. Between losing Ryan in March and then my father in May, I think that these up coming months are going to bring a lot of time to reflect on if I am making the right decisions in my life because the obvious moral here is how precious life is and how you should never take anyone you love for granted. You don't want to waste time making irresponsible choices when you could be working towards a positive and happy future with the people that matter the most to you.
Tomorrow night, after I get back, my mom is making a family dinner. I am really happy that we are all getting together to eat. We all see eachother a lot, but we don't really get to actually sit all together at once and talk too often. I am looking forward to just being with my family and hanging out. My son loves going to Grandma's house. Sometime's I am not sure whether it's because he wants to see Grandma or if he just want a bunch of snacks, free reign of the TV, and an infinite number of hugs and kisses at his fingertips. Honestly though, I love seeing my son and my mom together. They are so cute. He always says, "Mommy, can I go to your Grandma's house?", and then I say, "Well, she's not my Grandma, sweetie, she's your Grandma." He means he wants to go see her though. It's sweet.
Alright, I am finally getting tired. I have to be up at 0600. Looks like i'll be tired tomorrow, but i'm not stressin' about it. Thanks for listening, bloggy blogsters. Goodnight.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Scatter Brained
I have been so up and down lately with every kind of emotion. From good to bad, great to bitter... Made to laugh so hard that I cried and and then so hurt that those same tears had a different meaning. Sometimes the world can be so uncertain... so unpredictable. It's somewhat like stepping on the gas when the light turns green but then a car speeds through the intersection causing you to slam on the brakes or you get hit with tragedy.
I know that there is an answer to every question and that one day God is going to help me to understand everything that I was meant to be confused about while I had to be here. Knowing this helps me to be more patient. Knowing that I am not perfect and the God, (who is), has a plan and reason for everything that happens to us gives me the strength to be patient with all of the obstacles that I have to face.
All things work together for good. Bad things will happen and this is inevitable. You will be stressed and you will get pissed off from time to time. Good comes from everything that happens. Maybe not directly to you, but to someone in the world... and that is what is important. I have always been a really spiritual person although I have been really angry with God on many occasions. Some people probably wouldn't blame me if I said I never wanted to say anything about religion again after what I went through this year. Oddly enough, I find myself more faithful than ever... and maybe this is why what happened did happen... or at least one of the reasons why.
I know now that my life does have a great purpose. It's not just to have a job, get married and have kids either... Life is much much more than that. Life is about every single thing that you do and the reason or reasons behind why you are doing it. My dad used to tell me that there are plenty of people in the world who do great things but it doesn't mean shit because they are doing these good things for selfish reasons.
I guess the main reason I want to do the best I can at being a good person isn't because I want people to like me or so that I can gain anything for myself. I just look at it like we have a life full of trial and error and we only make it harder on ourselves by choosing to be negative or do selfish and bad things.
After all that Jesus went through so that I could go to heaven, I just feel like I at least owe him the best that I can do at being a good person. I understand that people have their own opinions about this world and why we're in in, etc... I just think it's common knowledge that doing things that are wrong to others and yourself only make your life more difficult. I get really frustrated when I have to deal with people who only live to hurt other people because I look at them and wonder what they must feel like inside. How could anyone actually enjoy taking the light out of someone else's life. I really do pity these people.
More and more lately I enjoy life's beauty and see how wonderful and miraculous just waking up everyday can be. I am so busy but I know it's for a great cause... the care of my son, the deterrence of criminals, and my future as a whole. I think that I have been getting tested, but it isn't a test i'm going to fail, because I am not meant to fail. Just because others try to drag you down to their level doesn't mean you have to go down there and keep them company and make them feel better about them being where they are at.
In conclusion, this may seem somewhat scattered and that's because it sort of is... so don't feel confused. I just have a lot on my mind. Having faith that God's plan is in motion and that things are happening for a reason keeps me going. I keep praying for understanding and I feel like I am beginning to get it. I have lost a lot... but I have gained a lot, too.
As far as what I don't like around me, I will be the change I wish to see in the world as my quote says... by leading by example at all times and always doing the right thing from the smallest of things to the largest. ;)
I know that there is an answer to every question and that one day God is going to help me to understand everything that I was meant to be confused about while I had to be here. Knowing this helps me to be more patient. Knowing that I am not perfect and the God, (who is), has a plan and reason for everything that happens to us gives me the strength to be patient with all of the obstacles that I have to face.
All things work together for good. Bad things will happen and this is inevitable. You will be stressed and you will get pissed off from time to time. Good comes from everything that happens. Maybe not directly to you, but to someone in the world... and that is what is important. I have always been a really spiritual person although I have been really angry with God on many occasions. Some people probably wouldn't blame me if I said I never wanted to say anything about religion again after what I went through this year. Oddly enough, I find myself more faithful than ever... and maybe this is why what happened did happen... or at least one of the reasons why.
I know now that my life does have a great purpose. It's not just to have a job, get married and have kids either... Life is much much more than that. Life is about every single thing that you do and the reason or reasons behind why you are doing it. My dad used to tell me that there are plenty of people in the world who do great things but it doesn't mean shit because they are doing these good things for selfish reasons.
I guess the main reason I want to do the best I can at being a good person isn't because I want people to like me or so that I can gain anything for myself. I just look at it like we have a life full of trial and error and we only make it harder on ourselves by choosing to be negative or do selfish and bad things.
After all that Jesus went through so that I could go to heaven, I just feel like I at least owe him the best that I can do at being a good person. I understand that people have their own opinions about this world and why we're in in, etc... I just think it's common knowledge that doing things that are wrong to others and yourself only make your life more difficult. I get really frustrated when I have to deal with people who only live to hurt other people because I look at them and wonder what they must feel like inside. How could anyone actually enjoy taking the light out of someone else's life. I really do pity these people.
More and more lately I enjoy life's beauty and see how wonderful and miraculous just waking up everyday can be. I am so busy but I know it's for a great cause... the care of my son, the deterrence of criminals, and my future as a whole. I think that I have been getting tested, but it isn't a test i'm going to fail, because I am not meant to fail. Just because others try to drag you down to their level doesn't mean you have to go down there and keep them company and make them feel better about them being where they are at.
In conclusion, this may seem somewhat scattered and that's because it sort of is... so don't feel confused. I just have a lot on my mind. Having faith that God's plan is in motion and that things are happening for a reason keeps me going. I keep praying for understanding and I feel like I am beginning to get it. I have lost a lot... but I have gained a lot, too.
As far as what I don't like around me, I will be the change I wish to see in the world as my quote says... by leading by example at all times and always doing the right thing from the smallest of things to the largest. ;)
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
How Should We Live
Should we live life with careless reckless abandonment or always playing it safe? To be honest neither one of these choices seems right to me. I think we should live honestly, which is living in the present,enjoying the now ,because the honest truth is there's no guaranteed tomorrows.We should plan for the future, but just don't live there. We should make peace with God now,because doing so later wouldn't be wise. Make peace with those we loved/love and get rid of all those regrets. If there's any guilt,anger or resentments get rid of it,because lifes to short to be carrying around so much baggage.If there's something you've wanted to do ,go do it while you still can. If there's something you've always wanted to say ,then say it . If there's some place you've wanted to go,pack your bags and take sometime and go,if not today then soon. Spend time ,I mean quality time with those closest to you and let them know how much they really mean to you. Basically what I'm trying to say is live life like there's no tomorrow,so when there isn't ,you'll be at peace and in a place where not to many people are. Now, please don't misunderstand me. I'm not telling anyone to quit there jobs,leave there families or just forget about their responsibilities. All I'm saying is, get rid of all the baggage in your life,get right with God and those you love, and live the best possible life you can.
