Missing Ryan

As many of you know it has now been one year since Ryan Kuhles passed away... such a tragic loss for so many.

This whole month has been a month of deep reflection. On the 1rst, I went and picked up some flowers and sat at Ryan’s grave for a while. I cleaned it off and looked at his picture and read the the poem about fifty times. I thought about his funeral. It was almost like I was there all over again. I visit Ryan but this day was different. It was his birthday. He would have been 25. I said, "Happy Birthday, Ryan. I love you."

So the month continued and still does... one year approaching this Friday. Ryan taught me to grateful for each and everyday on this earth. So many people are given so much yet still find every reason to complain. No matter what this world through at Ryan he never gave up. He didn’t know what the future held but he always knew that he was going to make the best out of the present.

I remember the one of the first conversations I had with Ryan was him telling me about the type of cancer he had and I remember thinking to myself... "Look at this him... this isn’t what someone with cancer looks like." Even on chemo (when he could) he ran every day, worked out, attended college... this is more than I can say for some of the healthiest people I know! After I became his girlfriend I had even more opportunities to see how he never gave up. Even when he got sick again he would be saying, "Well, when I start to feel better I am going to..."

He loved his friends so much. There were a few that were always around. You know who you are. These friends always knew how he was, would stop by his house just to help out, or just to spend time with him because toward the end he could really go anywhere. I had so much respect for them. Some people claimed to be good friends and would ask when they could come by but would never show up. Some said it was too painful to see their friend in so much pain. I don’t think anyone was in more pain than he was. What ever the case, Ryan still treated a friend that he hadn’t seen for a year just the same as he did the friend who sat by his side. He always welcomed everyone with a big smile and a huge heart.

As sad is it was, that I knew that Ryan wouldn’t be here forever, the time we spent together was full of so much laughing, smiling, joking, hugs, kisses, and happiness... (his constant sarcasm and dark humor) nothing I would trade for the world. I think that Kuhles was quite possibly one of the most brilliantly honest/accurate/sarcastic/hilarious critics of all time. The world has suffered a great loss with the passing of such a great mind and a genuinely amazing human being.

The time Ryan had left was never certain. Once I was told two years. I was told six months then four, and then with a sudden injury he was left with what they said would be two weeks... I was running some errands when I was told he would be passing away that night. I went over right away. I just held his hand and talked to him. His mom and dad were so great that night. They were so strong. I think it’s just how the Kuhles’ are. They are all so amazing.

I am going to visit Ryan again Friday. I try and go regularly. Ryan used to tell me all the time that one of his fears was being forgotten... because people always forget those that pass away. I promised him I would never forget. He said he believed me. Of course I don’t see how anyone could ever forget Ryan Kuhles, Esq., Amateur Gynocologist... the best wing-man ever, or so he told me he was.

I think the main lesson to be learned from Ryan Kuhles is to be grateful for the time you are given to be with the people you love and to accomplish your dreams on this earth. I am so thankful for having known this amazing person and to having been able to know him in such an intimate way, despite the way it still breaks my heart to not have him in my life. I live each day to the fullest... for myself, for my son, for Ryan and my Dad. I remember calling my dad and telling him that Ryan passed away. He cried for me because he knew how devastated I was. Two months later, he passed away as well. My heart aches for them both. Sometimes, I don’t think I have any more tears to cry... but then I realize life it isn’t about living in the past... it’s about using lessons of the past, to make a better future. Ryan and my Dad are both in my mind and heart every day... and they always will be. Ryan was the true definition of a hero. Everything he spoke about and lived by was an inspiration... we were all so lucky to have been a part of his remarkable life... even for such a short while.